


Used to Think That Lovin' Meant a Painful Chase

by Princessfbi



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Evan "Buck" Buckley, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Henrietta "Hen" Wilson Friendship, Evan "Buck" Buckley's Sexual History, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz First Kiss, Getting Together, Implied Sexual Content, Insecure Evan "Buck" Buckley, Intimacy, M/M, Miscommunication, Pre-Relationship, Pre-Relationship Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Protective Henrietta "Hen" Wilson, Protective Maddie Buckley, Soft Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Soft Evan "Buck" Buckley, Soft Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, intimacy issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-23 11:41:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30054921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Princessfbi/pseuds/Princessfbi
Summary: “Hey Hen,” Buck said as he let the book fall closed in his lap. “Can I ask you a kind of personal question without you getting mad at me?”Hen’s other brow matched the one that was arched as she slipped her finger to mark her place in her book before she finally looked up at him.“I should say no but now you’ve got me intrigued.”“Have you ever had sex with a man?”Hen’s expression flattened as she flipped her book back open. “I’ve changed my mind.”
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Henrietta "Hen" Wilson, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 29
Kudos: 698
Collections: _private_





	Used to Think That Lovin' Meant a Painful Chase

**Author's Note:**

  * For [autumnchills](https://archiveofourown.org/users/autumnchills/gifts).



It’d been fine when Buck had Eddie’s dick in his mouth. In fact, Eddie’s dick in his mouth was maybe one of his favorite things about that night. It wasn’t often that Buck got to see Eddie come undone but he’d been treated to a private showing and the pride he had being the one to take Eddie there was indescribable. 

But then things got… weird. Or maybe, it was Buck that got weird? He still wasn’t really sure where it started, to be honest.

Sex was something that Buck _knew,_ okay? If he had a list of things he knew that he was exceptional at, sex would be at the top of the list. And a lot of that was attributed to Maddie which, _ew…_ he didn’t really want to be thinking about his sister while he tried to untangle this twisted web that had spun around him about twenty seconds after Eddie had started to work him open.

Just _ew._

But it was a true. Buck could attest a lot of things he exceled at because Maddie had taken the time to sit down and explain it to him when he asked. Buck and his dad weren’t exactly on the greatest of terms when Buck hit puberty and that bridge turned old and abandoned between them the more Buck started to grow up. But it wasn’t his dad who gave him the safe sex talk and it wasn’t his dad who helped him figure out the _other_ safe sex talk when he discovered he wanted to make out with not only Bethany Cleary from down the street, but also Benny Cleary too. It was Maddie who drilled into his head the importance of protection and it was also Maddie who made sure he knew that consent went both ways.

It was because of Maddie that Buck knew not to be a complete asshole when it came to sex.

He hadn't been. That much he was sure. He wanted to make it good for Eddie and he did. Eddie had told him so many times.

And Buck quickly learned that he liked making people feel good. He _liked_ being the one to put that satiated smile on a person’s face. Buck just didn’t stop to think that someone would want to put that same smile his face in return. 

See, Buck was used to having to put the work in. That’s just what you did and when Eddie had uttered that first question in his ear between one hot mouth kissed followed by another, it’d been surprising.

Nice!

But…surprising.

And then weird.

Which is what led him to his current situation. As much as he loved his sister and would credit her to pretty much being the main reason he wasn’t completely inept when it came to intimacy, Maddie was also fiercely protective and it’d only gotten worse with the pregnancy. She would be on his side always and that was great but it wasn’t always helpful. He’d learned that the hard way after a few too many innocent comments turned into a tense ‘not quite argument’ when he’d been waiting for Abby to decide whether he was worth coming home for which, spoiler alert: he wasn’t but that was a whole other problem he was working through with his therapist. But he knew Maddie would insist that he hadn’t done anything wrong and Buck wasn’t quite sure he would believe her. Not with this new feeling held close to his chest.

New was something he didn’t trust.

He’d never felt this way before. Not after sex, at least. It wasn’t a bad feeling and if Buck was being honest, it was maybe one of the softest feelings he’d ever had, but it was new and new always left Buck feeling unsure and a little off kilter.

It was during a twenty-four hour shift when he finally found himself alone with Hen. From day one, Hen welcomed him into the fold without hazing him or making him jump through hoops. Buck found talking to people easy too but coming into the firehouse, and having the feeling of something being right for once in his life, had left him nervous and uncertain. He barely said a word to anyone that wasn’t work related his first three shifts because he was pretty sure if he had, they’d hear that eager edge to his tone and kick him to the curb. It was Hen who was the one that finally reached out to him and dragged him out of his perpetual lingering on the sidelines.

“I can feel you staring, Buck,” Hen said without looking up from her book and breaking the quiet that had settled between the two of them up in the loft.

“Sorry,” Buck said, dropping his gaze back down onto his book that hadn’t managed to distract him from his thoughts.

Hen’s brow arched onto her forehead but she didn’t push and he liked that about her. She nudged when she thought it was necessary but she didn’t push him on things he didn’t want to talk about.

Problem was he _needed_ to talk about it or it was going to drive him crazy as he twisted himself further in knots.

“Hey Hen,” Buck said as he let the book fall closed in his lap. “Can I ask you a kind of personal question without you getting mad at me?”

Hen’s other brow matched the one that was arched as she slipped her finger to mark her place in her book before she finally looked up at him. 

“I should say no but now you’ve got me intrigued.”

“Have you ever had sex with a man?”

Hen’s expression flattened as she flipped her book back open. “I’ve changed my mind.”

Buck’s book nearly fell to the floor as he dropped his feet to the ground.

“No, listen, I didn’t mean…”

Buck bit down on his lip and rubbed a hard hand against his face because he didn’t want to offend her but he didn’t know what he was saying either. Hen frowned as she looked up from her book, sensing his turmoil like she always could.

“What is it, Buck?”

And it was that tone, that way that Hen could prod just enough that had Buck spilling his guts to her.

“I hooked up with someone.”

Even saying it out loud didn’t sound right because hooking up wasn’t even a glimpse of what he and Eddie had done. But that’s what it was, right? It wasn’t like they’d put a label on in between Buck dropping to his knees and Eddie carding his finger through Buck’s hair.

Buck grimaced, looking to Hen for help and wishing she could just read his mind.

“Okay?” Hen closed her book and dropped it onto the coffee table which meant Buck had her full attention and that was great but also _terrifying._

“And it was… someone who is also a guy…”

He sounded ridiculous and Hen’s expression only confirmed that.

“Buck, you do know that I am aware of your bisexuality, right? We’ve had this discussion. I was there carrying your pink, purple, and blue drunk ass home from Pride two years ago!”

“Yes, that’s not---”

Buck’s nerves shuttered and maybe he really needed to reconsider overthinking everything on his own again.

“Did something happen?”

And Hen had this other tone that somehow managed to sooth Buck’s nerves but also made him feel like Hen could strip him raw and find all the deep dark things he kept hidden deep inside himself. It was honest and concerned and it’d knocked Buck for a loop the first time she’d aimed it at him. Like he… mattered to her.

“Yes,” Buck said without hesitation but then shook his head. “I mean… no? I just… I don’t know?”

He looked at her pleadingly as she crossed the space between them and dropped onto the couch beside him.

“Buck, talk to me. Are you okay? Did they hurt you? Did---”

“No!” Buck scrambled to clarify because the concern was so thick in her expression that it was practically dripping off her words in an urgency and he didn’t mean to scare her because it was definitely _not_ that! “No! I promise it wasn’t that! I’m fine. It was all consensual and it was… The sex was great! It was!”

Hen’s concern turned back to confusion. “Okay? So, then what’s the problem?”

The instinct to deny that there was a problem was right on the tip of his tongue. Because admitting that there was a problem brought up a lot of feelings that Buck didn’t realize would be dragging at his heels that night his gaze had lingered a little too long at Eddie’s mouth. When Eddie had cupped the back of his neck with his hand and somehow, they’d found themselves so close that it was like a moment of stillness before a collision. The way Eddie’s voice had dropped low when he asked,

“ _Can I—”_

Buck’s lips tingled at the memory of that kiss. That kiss that may have ruined him but a kiss he would carry with him for the rest of his life.

“Buck,” Hen said, reminding him that he wasn’t alone and she was offering to help and that he mattered again. “I’m going to need more information here.”

“He just…” Buck swallowed and rubbed his hands on his thighs. “He just… kept asking me questions during… it?”

Hen blinked at him, still confused. “Okay?”

He wasn’t explaining it right.

“It was weird and… I thought I wasn’t doing it right which _never happens—”_

“I’m going to stop you before you start telling me thing I don’t need to hear,” Hen said with a wave of her hand. “What kind of questions, Buck?”

“You know…” Buck tried, once again wishing Hen could read his mind.

But Hen just stared at him and waited for him to find the words himself.

Buck flushed as the memory of Eddie’s words, hot and soft on the small of his back, echoed across his skin and pebbled goosebumps in their wreckage.

“He… He kept asking if I was liking it and if I was okay and if I wanted to change positions and…” He sounded like a lunatic but the words had been feather soft yet scolding. “I mean, _I thought_ I was doing a great job showing how much I liked it but it was like… I was doing it wrong and I don’t know. Maybe he didn’t want to tell me? Should I tell him? I mean I didn’t want to seem clingy because it was just a-a-a hook up---”

He couldn’t even say the words 'hook up' without stammering but it was all he got. It wasn’t like Eddie had kicked him out once they were done. Finding out that Eddie Diaz was a cuddler was enough to send Buck spinning to the moon but they also hadn’t talked since.

Partially Buck's fault but still. 

“Okay!” Hen cut him off as she grabbed his hand and it still stunned him with how well she knew him enough that he needed that teether back down to Earth again; for someone to pull him upright from the off kilter thrumming of his heart.

“Okay, that’s a lot to unpack.”

And, yeah, no shit! Buck had been on a constant spin cycle for close to twenty-eight hours that started the moment he got in his Jeep feeling sore in all the right places and for once not…

Buck’s heart flipped up into his throat again.

For once not feeling used.

And he didn’t know why that made his stomach twist into a pile of knots weeded with doubt but it did and if anyone could get to the root of that, it was Hen. He knew Hen would be fair and tell him where he was being an idiot so he could fix whatever he—

Suddenly, it felt like the floor gave out from under him.

“Did I ruin it?”

The words didn’t sound like him but they came from his mouth so he knew he said them. Buck hunched in on himself as the crippling realization that, that had to be it sucker punched him in the gut. He’d ruined it. It was just that for the first time in the history of his love life, he was the first one to see it.

“Buck,” Hen said, trying to uncurl Buck from the smallness he was retreating into to survive the blast of heartache. “Buck, look at me.”

But that had to be it. What other explanation was there? It was like failing a test and he’d failed _hard._ He’d been so swept up in the defiance of gravity that came from being pinned under that searing gaze of Eddie’s sweet, heated brown eyes that he’d failed. Eddie knew about Buck’s reputation, a reputation that despite some pointed comments, Buck wasn’t entirely ashamed of and Buck hadn’t lived up to the hype. That’s why Eddie kept asking him questions. It had to be.

Buck had disappointed him and now he’d ruined it.

“Buck,” Hen said again, rubbing his forearm. “Look at me.”

He did if only because he needed Hen to confirm what he already knew. Because he’d come to Hen in the first place knowing that she’d be fair to Eddie.

“First, I need to you take a deep breath and stop following all those thoughts I can see racing across your brain.”

Buck sucked in a breath but the chasing of his thoughts was a bigger ask that he didn’t think he could do. But he could try.

He exhaled and bit down on his lip to keep from gulping down another gasp in his too dry throat.

“You really like this guy, huh?” Hen asked even though she knew the answer. “This is more than just a hook up?”

That was the understatement of the year. Even Buck couldn’t pretend the euphoric thoughts of hope that cheered in his head the moment Eddie’s lips had pillowed against his and tore him apart piece by piece hadn’t happened. The constellation of shock, hope, and thrill that swirled around him as Eddie’s hands slipped under his shirt and mapped out his skin like he was seeing it for the first time. They’d tangled themselves into the one thing that Buck excelled at and would’ve sealed the deal for Eddie to see Buck as a possibility.

The one thing that Eddie knew made Buck exceptional and Buck had fallen short of expectation.

Eddie, who was more than a hook up, was everything and Buck wasn’t enough. Again.

Wordlessly, Buck nodded.

Hen clicked her tongue against her teeth and moved to sit on the coffee table so she could be in his eye line. Her hands, warm and firm, circled around his and Buck was almost positive that if she shifted her fingers, she’d be able to feel the way his pulse was hammering against his skin.

“Buck,” she said again with a smile on her face that always seemed to ease the nerves. “I don’t know what your other relationships were like in the bedroom and I really don’t want to know.”

Buck dropped his head down.

“But,” Hen said. “It sounds like this guy was just trying to make sure that you were comfortable. You know, like healthy sexual communication and all that? I don’t think you ruined anything.”

The relief from hearing that was almost too good to be true.

Hen ducked her head down to catch Buck’s eye.

“Hasn’t anyone ever checked in to make sure you’re enjoying yourself?”

And… No, not the way Eddie had because that was usually Buck’s job. Buck was usually the one listening to the song of their responses and doing whatever it was again when he heard them sing. Or they took over and Buck was happy to go along for the ride. It wasn’t like he hadn't enjoyed himself with his past sexual counterparts. He _loved_ sex. Maybe a little too much sometimes but he was getting better are deciphering between mindless attachment and intimacy.

But still, that was his thing. He made people feel good.

He… He didn’t think about maybe Eddie had been trying to do the same for him.

“Listen, Buck,” Hen said with a sigh. “I know you’re working on trying to be the best you and I’m a firm believer of going on that journey for yourself but let me point you to a little discovery that I know to be true.”

She squeezed Buck’s fingers tight and, in a way, an entirely platonic way, it reminded him of what it was like to be held in Eddie’s arms.

“Your worth,” Hen said, slowly and with intention in every word. “As a person… As a boyfriend… As a _partner_ has _never_ and _should never_ be based on what you bring to the bedroom. It’s important, don’t get me wrong. But you are so much more than just that. You are kind and brave and the biggest dork I’ve ever met.”

Hen broke off with a laugh and Buck couldn’t help the uptick of his lips at the sound because Hen’s laugh could crack through even the darkest of moods.

“And if this guy can’t see how special you are beyond that then you deserve better anyway.”

Buck’s heart swelled in his chest like a flickering light that had found a spark of electricity again. Hen rubbed her thumb into the joint of Buck’s knuckle and the small circular motion was enough to warm away the sharpness of his panicked dread.

“You don’t think I messed up?”

Hen shook her head. “I can’t answer that, Buckaroo. If this guy is worth it then you’ll need to talk to him. But it sounds to me like you just turned into a blind spot and didn’t even realize it.”

A blind spot.

That… Somehow, that settled over Buck easily. A lot easier than the trepidation of rejection he’d been facing like a firing squad every time he so much as caught a glimpse of Eddie.

Because if there was one person in his life outside of his sister who didn’t think Buck was completely worthless, it was Eddie. Somehow, it was Eddie. Eddie thought Buck was worthwhile. And Buck may not completely understand why but he knew that much.

Eddie was worthwhile in Buck’s opinion too. More than worthwhile.

He was the net beneath the ledge on which Buck had spent his life until now teetering. Eddie was his safe place to land, there to catch him no matter what. With Eddie, Buck was free. Free to be himself, free to let himself go. Kissing him that night, singing in a duet that Buck was realizing had been in a different key as they withered in the sheets, had left him raw and vulnerable because he felt safe with him. Safe for the first time in a long time and had given him everything.

He wasn’t spiraling. He was falling and how easily he’d been willing to fall for Eddie had scared him. Hen was reminding him that it could be exhilarating too.

“I have to say that I’m a little surprised you’re not talking to Eddie about this,” Hen said and Buck nearly choked on his tongue.

He never mentioned Eddie’s name.

“Uh,” Buck said as his face heated into what he was sure was an impressive blush. “Why?”

Hen’s eyebrows launched up her forehead as she leaned back, stunned.

“What do you mean? Why? He’s your best friend,” She said, suspicious before her eyes lit up. “Oh!”

Buck fell back into the couch like the distance would cover up the fact that he had the worst poker face in the world. He tried to pull his hand away but her grip was freakishly strong and she yanked him back.

“You and Eddie?” She gasped quietly— _thank God! —_ as a grin spread across her face.

Buck groaned because he’d not planned on telling her that at all. Eddie was supposed to be a beautiful stranger.

“Don’t you have a book for medical school to read or something?”

Hen opened her mouth to argue just as the bell rang overhead and Buck didn’t think he’d ever raced to the rig so fast in all his life.

* * *

Buck tried to look cool waiting for Eddie by his truck but if he’d known Eddie would take so long to get changed, he would’ve sat around in the air conditioning in the station a little bit longer. By the time Eddie was walking out to the lot, Buck was a little sweaty, crashing from their twenty-four hour shift, and probably a little pink from the sun.

Eddie, on the other hand, looked like a dream. Maybe a nightmare with the way his expression shuttered closed when he saw Buck waiting but a nightmare worth facing.

Buck’s lips tingled with the ghost of Eddie’s kiss again and Buck couldn’t help but run his finger over them to try and catch it.

“Oh, are we looking at each other again?” Eddie asked when he was close enough to see the tired squinted wrinkles around Buck’s eyes.

“Can we talk?”

Eddie swerved around Buck to open the passenger door and tossed his bag into the back with a little more force than was probably necessary before he turned with a barely concealed grimace.

To anyone who didn’t know him, Eddie would seem annoyed.

But not to Buck.

He could see the hurt that rippled in a mirror of insecurity back at him. Buck’s heart fluttered against his chest in response.

Eddie clenched his jaw and crossed his arms over his chest which wasn’t storming into his truck and leaving Buck in the dust so he took that as his cue.

And Buck had been practicing.

“I’ve only been good at one thing for a lot of people.” Even with the practice, the words sounded clunky and awkward saying them but he did it anyway. “And then they leave.”

Eddie blinked at Buck.

“I didn’t leave, Buck. You did,” Eddie said, his mouth puckering in hurt. “And then you basically ignored me for the entire shift.”

The sting in those words was laced with pain directed at Eddie as he said them and Buck would give anything to take that pain away.

“I know!” Buck moved into Eddie’s space and Eddie didn’t pull away so that was good, right? “I know and I’m sorry.”

Eddie swept his gaze back and forth like he wanted to look at Buck but he couldn’t and there wasn’t a suitable substitute to compare.

“I don’t understand. Did I do something wrong?” Eddie jerked to look up at Buck as a flash of panic and guilt slashed across his expression. “ _Did I hurt you_?”

“No! God, Eddie no!”

Buck could still feel the whispers of Eddie’s hands on his skin and those shadows were anything but hurtful. They made Buck feel like he glistened like a jewel. But he needed to explain before Eddie freaked out any more than he already had.

“You…” Buck bit his lip, rolling it between his teeth until he let go. “You… when you kept asking me questions… If I liked what you were doing or… When you kept checking in, I thought I was doing something wrong. I thought I’d fucked up somehow and you weren’t having a good time.”

“Well, you didn’t and I’m sorry I made you feel that way. I was trying to make sure you were enjoying yourself.” Eddie’s tone was flat and robotic but Buck could hear the genuine honey of the apology for what it was.

Eddie had thought Buck was worthwhile even when Buck didn’t think so.

The scorching trail of Eddie’s wet opened mouthed kisses on his spine. The gentle caress of Eddie’s thumbs on his hips as Buck opened up for him. The steady, constant attention in his voice.

He hadn’t treated Buck like a hook up.

Eddie had treated Buck like he did everything else.

Like a partner.

“No.” Buck shook his head.

Eddie watched him with a hesitant heavy gaze; with brown eyes that could be sweet one moment and then flash into smoldering in the next. Both left Buck weak in the knees.

Buck reached out and latched his fingers onto the belt loops of Eddie’s jeans.

“You…” Buck ducked his head down. “You made me feel like I was special… Like I was worth something. Worth a whole lot more than I thought about myself being worth and I-I-I’ve never felt like that with anyone.”

Buck had never felt like all he had to do was show up and be Buck. Like he didn’t have to compensate somehow.

He was just Buck for Eddie. He liked making people smile. He just didn’t stop to think that Eddie would want to make him smile in return. That someone would want to carry the weight for him.

Eddie’s finger curled under his jaw and nudged his head up.

“Well, you should. You should be made to feel like that every day.”

Buck shivered as the flashpoint of Eddie’s heat started at his chin and spread all the way down to Buck’s toes. And Eddie…

Eddie was open, ripping off that shielding he carried around and exposing all the vulnerable bits to Buck. For Buck.

“Really?” Buck asked because he was trying to get better at believing it but with Eddie so close Buck was finding it a little heard to breathe and he just wanted to make sure that he wasn’t hearing things.

Eddie rolled his eyes and nodded.

And it was terrifying how easy it was to be with Eddie this way. Terrifying how safe he felt; how quickly Buck had been willing to fall with the risk of Eddie leaving him just like everyone else.

But maybe, just maybe, Eddie would stay.

Buck’s gaze lingered on Eddie’s lips, the ones he couldn’t get off his mind.

“Can I?”

Something that sounded like, “ _finally”_ fell out of Eddie’s mouth before he was pulling Buck against him for a kiss that Buck would carry with him for as long as he was left in the free fall of being with Eddie. 

**Author's Note:**

> Big shout out to Buddiebuddie who pretty much held my hand while I tried to figure this out.
> 
> Prompt Cred: Autumnchills


End file.
